TOILET FUN DIDDLY UM
Nathan and Daniel are on a double date. Nathan has Daniel up with a blind date. Daniel is not happy with his date. they both enter the toilets.
Nathan
so what do you think of her
Daniel
I'm not talking to you
Nathan
that bad... Daniel?...Daniel?
Daniel scowls at Nathan
NATHAN
to be fair, I've only seen her on facebook, she looked alright on it.
DANIEL
clearly you and I have different opinions of what alright is
NATHAN
well, just try and get through the night
DANIEL
have you got a bag
NATHAN
why?
DANIEL
so i can stick it over her square head. she's that ugly she makes me want to physically abuse myself. and this restaurant, what a pile of sh
NATHAN
I've told you to cut down on the swearing
Daniel
well, what am i supposed to say
NATHAN
i dunno, say diddums
DANIEL
well this place is a massive pile of diddums. the food tastes like diddums and the service is diddums. and have you seen the prices, it takes the diddling diddums
NATHAN
now you just sound stupid
DANIEL
its your diddums fault
NATHAN
well i think this place is nice
DANIEL
whatever, I'm having a diddums
NATHAN
no, you can't do that in a public place. not to mention the way you've been going you'll be blind before Christmas
Daniel
I'm having a poo you diddum head
NATHAN
will you calm down
DANIEL
(sarcastic) can we swap dates
NATHAN
I'm not being stuck with chewbacca
Daniel goes in the cubicle. Nathan checks his hair in the mirrors and goes in the cubicle next to him
NATHAN
do you know what some-ones wrote on this wall... "if you wish to purchase some magic mushrooms then get hold of Yoshi at the mushroom kingdom, or alternatively phone Mario at 0800 Luigi"
DANIEL
I'm alright thanks. some people... as thick as Susan Boyle is ugly
NATHAN
it's boiling in here
DANIEL
i might just get naked to cool down
NATHAN
you can't do that, you'll get kicked out
DANIEL
what for, I'm not doing anyone any harm
NATHAN
you could take some-ones eye out
a short time passes
NATHAN
do you wanna play charades
DANIEL
in the toilets
NATHAN
well I'm bored, I'll go first
does the actions for film
DANIEL
film?
NATHAN
yeah
action for two words
DANIEL
two words
NATHAN
yeah
action for second word
DANIEL
second word
NATHAN
blimey, your good
hear some noises coming the cubicle
DANIEL
is it Free Willy
NATHAN
how the hell did you get that
DANIEL
because you always do free willy
NATHAN
thats because its such a classic film
DANIEL
no, its not, its because you think its funny that it says willy
NATHAN
<snigger>
you can hear plopping
NATHAN
o shit
DANIEL
this would be the place
NATHAN
no, I've dropped my phone in the toilet
DANIEL
well just get it out
NATHAN
how will that help
DANIEL
no, the phone!
NATHAN
well, i can't
DANIEL
why
NATHAN
because the toilets full of other stuff, and to be honest... I'm not sure its all mine
DANIEL
man up! this not the time for whining.
NATHAN
that's not all... I've got my banana caught in my zip
camera shows a banana sticking out of Nathans pants
NATHAN
what am I going to do
DANIEL
well, you've made your cake now sleep on it
NATHAN
you know, from a distance, it looks like Adrian Chiles
DANIEL
i can understand that
NATHAN
kind'a looks like Gordon Browns career
DANIEL
is the poo bullying the basin
you can here the water splashing from the toilet
NATHAN
what have i had to eat?
DANIEL
just get your phone
NATHAN
god, this is disgusting
DANIEL
i don't need a commentary
NATHAN
got it
DANIEL
well done shitty hands
a man walks in and enters the third cubicle. Nathan exits his and starts washing his hands and phone.
NATHAN
there's no soap!
DANIEL
hahahaha, you're life is a mess
NATHAN
and the blow dryer doesn't work
DANIEL
i wouldn't like to be you
NATHAN
i wouldn't like to be dating your new bird
DANIEL
she is not my new bird
NATHAN
as much as you don't like her, you've got a chemistry
DANIEL
the closest to chemistry we'll be getting is if i put some sulfuric acid all over her. maybe it'll get rid of some of those giant wrinkles. tell you something else, its a tough call between whats got more grease... my chips or her hair
NATHAN
you haven't even asked her for her name
DANIEL
i think I'll call it "thing"
Nathan
Charlotte toeberry
DANIEL
Charlotte toeberry, she's even got a stupid name
man from toilet
did you say Charlotte toeberry
DANIEL
yeah, why?
MAN FROM TOILET
'cus I'm her brother you little diddums
NATHAN
seems to be catching on
DANIEL
I mean Charlotte snowjerry
MAN FROM TOILET
yeah, i bet you did
Nathan walks into the cubicle again
NATHAN
there isn't even any toilet paper
DANIEL
I've got some
Daniel throws a roll over, but throws it the wrong way and hits the man on the head.
MAN FROM TOILET
that's it
the man burst out of his cubicle and bash's open the door to Nathans cubicle bye mistake. before Nathan can say anything, he is getting beaten up. Daniel leaves his cubicle nonchalantly and wash's his hands. he than uses the hand blower which is now working
DANIEL
you see, it does work... I'll see you in a bit Nathan
NATHAN
here, take my phone, call the police
DANIEL
no, you're alright... like every conscious politician, its full of shit
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