I can make you funny

The first thing you’re going to need is a face. Any old face will do. Now that you have a face, I need you to pull it. Go on, really hard. Pull the most amazing face you have ever pulled. Now that that’s done, you need material. Look outside of the window and write down anything and everything. Do the same again but write the complete opposite. Now you’re ready.

Find a group of people and introduce yourself. “Hi, my name is (insert name)” then pull your funny face and read everything which you have written on your lists, alternating between them until you no longer have any listings to read from. Retain your funny face throughout for maximum effect.

Now that you have mastered the art of doing what you’re told we can start proper. The first actual thing you’ll need is some intelligence. Don’t worry if you can’t find any, you might have other skills such as walking upright and dribbling down your face. Taking your intelligence you need to think of some situation which would normally be embarrassing and write about it in as much detail as possible. This can be made up or based on real events. Take your story and read it back. Make it as short as you can without losing any of the detail (tough I know). In order to prophet from maximum embarrassment, you’re going to need a back story. This is the story you will introduce yourself with. You need to get people to feel sorry for you whilst also making them want the best for you. Stories of failed relationships can often work well here so long as you portray the ex as the enemy.

All that’s left is being able to present your set (professional term for sketch/routine). Considering the character you have built up from the previous stories you will need to be dressed appropriately and props should be limited. Try to pull the odd face to convey feelings in an extreme manner. Speak as though you are there when you perform your set. Don’t be afraid to ad lib and try to take the audience with you on your story by occasionally asking rhetorical questions… or just actually ask a question to a member of the audience.

If you practice all these things you will become a very funny person.

IF I...

If I picked you up
I would never put you down
If I made you smile
I would never make you frown

If I earnt your trust
I would cherish it each day
If I made you happy
I would throw the hurt away

If I found your heart untouched
I would make it beat so fast
That if I only touched it once
It would forever last

If I took your breathe away
I would help you breath once more
If I stole a moments grace
I would keep it locked secure

If you cannot see me trying
I will not now quit
If I never can succeed
I will die aboard this sinking ship

The Results of the Film Quiz

The Prize of Pride goes to Lucy Cranshaw for successfully matching all 10 Quotes. very well done :)


Name the films from the quotes

1. You’re waiting for a train
2. Say “what” again!
3. Whatever doesn’t kill you… only makes you stranger
4. Everybody falls the first time
5. I gotta find bubba
6. Quiet musical hog
7.He better be worth it. He better go home and cure a disease, or invent a longer-lasting light bulb
8.Hasta la vista, baby
9. Are you not entertained!?
10. Get your fokkin' tentacle out of my face!
　

"I haven't seen Inception"

ANSWERS:
1. Inception
2. Pulp Fiction
3. The Dark Knight
4. The Matrix
5. Forrest Gump
6. Toy story 3
7. Saving private Ryan
8. Ternminator 2
9. Gladiator
10. District 9

The Male Fit-o-meter

The Male Fit Scale Examples in respnse to the Fit-O-Meter

A definate 0

the 3 region

a debateable 7

5/6 area

Your 9/10 guy

The Fit-O-Meter

Today dodd.blog releases the Fit-o-meter. How it works is you choose somebody, you look at them and you make a judgment call on the Fit Rating. This is for both men and women.

The Fit-o-Meter  (fitness on a scale of 1 to 10)
its late at night, you've had far too much to drink and are desperate for some company. you are blinded by drink and will take it where you can get it


0 - all those that didn’t even make a 1
1- Plain awful. A yeti
2 - if you like yeti
3 - Evolution takes hold, starts looking human

you might normally say that you have higher standards but your feeling brave after those few drinks and decide that they arn't so bad after all. you wake up the next day unsure wether to be proud or embaressed


4 - Early prototype fitty… went wrong somewhere
5 - In the right light a super model (that light being off)
6 - Squint a little and yeah they're fit

If you could, you would. these are the people that you just can't help but lust. you spend your time chasing them and when it works, its worth it.


7 - Formula starts looking right, just needs tweaking
8 - Formula is now commercially viable, fittys are here
9 - Premium formula edition… super fit

the person of your dreams. if you had three wishes, this would be one. makes everything else obsolete.

10 - The unknown formula… how did you manage that!?

disclaimer: the fit-o-meter is a scale used by groups to make comparisons of peoples looks and has no indication as to the personalty or feelings of any of its subjects.



How Fit Are You??

Love this Advert

one of the best adverts to ever reach the screens

The End Is Nigh: Earthquake Predicted!?

Todays headlines:
Rome braces for 'prophet-predicted quake'
Spain: Earthquake rocks Lorca, Murcia, killing 10

Thousands of people are reported to be staying out of Rome for the next few days, over fears the city will be hit by a huge earthquake. The panic was sparked by rumours that seismologist Raffaele Bendandi, who died in 1979, predicted the city would be devastated by a quake on 11 May. Officials have insisted quakes cannot be predicted and special programmes have run on state TV calling for calm.

Not a million miles away

However, the big news is in spain… where there was an earthquake!! I’m not suggesting that the guy was right about his predictions, but it’s a very strange coincidence. In spain, At least 10 people were killed after a magnitude 5.3 earthquake toppled several buildings in southern Spain, near the town of Lorca, officials say. The quake struck at a depth of just 1km (0.6 miles), some 120km south-west of Alicante, at 1850 (1650 GMT), the US Geological Survey reported. Lines of cars lay crushed under tonnes of rubble and a hospital was evacuated as a precaution.

Film Quiz - The Prize is Pride

Name the films from the quotes, answers will be posted on Friday evening. Email dodd.blog@hotmail.co.uk with your name and answers to be on the list of pride on friday evening.

how many will you get?

1. You’re waiting for a train
2. Say “what” again!
3. Whatever doesn’t kill you… only makes you stranger
4. Everybody falls the first time
5. I gotta find bubba
6. Quiet musical hog
7. He better be worth it. He better go home and cure a disease, or invent a longer-lasting light bulb
8.Hasta la vista, baby
9. Are you not entertained!?

10. Get your fokkin' tentacle out of my face!

Films I couldn't live without



An early scene in the film


I watched Mrs.Doutfire for the first time as a young child. I don’t think I had ever laughed so much as I did then. Every time I watch the film now, I do more than just enjoy it for what it is. Its takes me back to my childhood briefly and reminds me of that youthful exuberance that fills us all. I also benefit from understanding some of the more subtle adult jokes which are in the film.

Mrs. Doubtfire

This is the film that made me want to act and perform, something I did frequently during my early years. I will always return to this film during times of trouble as it always gives me a lift.

I was already a fan of Robin Williams at this point, but watching this film sealed his position as a Hero in my life. I was also a massive James Bond fan, so seeing Pierce Brosnan in the film was a real bonus as well.

IMDB ratings have Mrs.Doubtfire at 6.6/10. I personally rate the film much higher and would hope that many of you do as well.

EMINEM: modern day poet?



Marshall Mathers

From previous posts you can see that I don’t mind a bit of poetry. It has to be said though, I don’t read poetry at all except for the requirements of GCSE English. I wrote those poems as the result of creative spark. I had an idea and followed it through. Obviously had I of thought of an idea like a full blown novel, that would be much more difficult to actually act upon.

After writing the poems I have since come to realise some things. The first is to do with actually creating poetry. It’s very easy to fall into the rhyme trap and forget that actual image your poem is meant to convey. The other thing is that Eminem is actually an inspired poet. He comes up with some very creative rhymes and often conjures evocative thoughts and emotions. I would struggle to call him a poet in public because of the connotations of the word poet. He definitely posesses all of the qualities of an old aged poet, with some modern day pinash.

Summer at the Cinema

Real Steel

rocky meets robots

Captain America

more marvel superhero goodness

transformers 3

no megan but who cares

Cowboys and Aliens

daniel craig, harrison ford, olivia wilde

also coming out this summer: harry potter, super 8, Pirates of the carribean, rise of the planet of the apes and many many more.

Super Injunction W*****S

What’s a good secret without everybody knowing? Twitter has become the latest battleground in the super injunction war and stories in the papers today show the posts of one tweeters account, as he names and shames those who have done wrong and are hiding from it.



Madness!!

I thought I’d check out the twitter page as the papers had to block out the peoples names for clear legal reasons... but I was shocked at what I discovered. The twitter feed has now been altered and the names removed. Is there nowhere safe from this super injunction nightmare?

You should not be allowed to have secrets hidden from the public when your life revolves around public perceptions. There will no doubt be a super injunction soon which stops the press from releasing critical information about an important person or subject. It is now down to government to act before the world goes completely mad.

The Biggest Question of them All

"in my opinion... where there is cheese, there is sin! that is where the devil lives"

The Dangers of Snow



The car on the left needs defrosting

The Science of Sleep

A Dream - a stream of thoughts and images experienced during sleep

Sleep - a natural, regularly recurring rest for the body, with little or no consciousness.

Between the ages of 18 and 23, we will generally sleep for about 9 hours. Astonishingly, the likes of Napoleon, Florence nightingale and Margaret Thatcher used to survive on a measly 4 hours a night. Thomas Edison even once claimed that it was a waste of time sleeping.

sleep per chance to dream...

Some scientists believe that we sleep to save energy, but it has since been found that during an 8 hour sleep, the human body only saves about 50kcal, the same amount of calories that are in a slice of toast.

A better theory is that sleeping plays a significant role in brain development. After one night without sleep, concentration becomes more difficult and attention span shortens considerably. After only 17 hours of being awake, your brain starts to perform as well as it would after downing two full glasses of wine, The legal drink drive limit in the UK. The current world record for no sleep is 11 days, set by Randy Gardner, which is also Alan Titchmarsh’s nickname. After 4 days randy started hallucinating, however over the last few days he was still able to beat his scientist friend at pinball.

When we are asleep, we actually sleep in cycles of about 100 minutes. There are two different types of sleep, non-REM, and unsurprisingly, REM. REM standing for rapid eye movement.

Just 5 more minutes

In non REM sleep, there are three stages

1 - light sleep - the muscles start to relax. we are only half asleep and can be easily wakened

2 - true sleep - after 10 minutes of light sleep, breathing and heart rate begin to slow, this lasts for about 20 minutes

3 - deep sleep - breathing and heart rate are now at there lowest levels

The REM sleep cycle begins about 70/90 minutes after we fall asleep and happens approximately 4 times a night. During this sleep are brain is at its most active and as such is when most dreams occur. As well as the rapid eye movements,
our breathing rate and blood pressure rise. However, our bodies are effectively paralysed, said to be nature's way of preventing us from acting out our own dreams.

Since the days of Adam, people have had dreams, but to this day the reasons for dreaming and what dreams mean remain a complete unknown. There are many theories, each one as likely as the next, ranging from theories where dreams are essential for your mental and emotional health, to theories which suggest that dreams really mean nothing at all.

Games Hype

L.A Noire
By acclaimed games creators Rockstar Games (GTA series and Red Dead) this game will definitely be made to a high standard. There has already been much hype for L.A Noire and it will surely be an instant hit

What it’s about:
Amid the post-war boom of Hollywood’s Golden Age, Cole Phelps, an LAPD detective is thrown headfirst into a city drowning in its own success. Corruption is rampant, the drug trade is exploding, and murder rates are at an all-time high. In his fight to climb the ranks and do what’s right, Phelps must unravel the truth behind a string of arson attacks, racketeering conspiracies and brutal murders, battling the L.A. underworld and even members of his own department to uncover a secret that could shake the city to its rotten core. Using groundbreaking new animation technology that captures every nuance of an actor’s facial performance in astonishing detail, L.A. Noire is a violent crime thriller that blends breathtaking action with true detective work to deliver an unprecedented interactive experience. Search for clues, chase down suspects and interrogate witnesses as you struggle to find the truth in a city where everyone has something to hide.

　

Dirt 3
Another code master racing game, this will build on the experiences of dirt 2 which was an extremely satisfying racer itself. Now losing the Colin McRae tag from the name there is sure to be some semblem of thanks to the man who gave his name to an elite series of racing games.
What it’s about:
Starting out as top tier Rally driver you’ll need you drive at break neck speed to keep the competition at bay and stay on top! But for the more expressive drivers out there, why not take part in the Gymkhana showpiece that lets you blow off some steam and tyre rubber as you drift, spin, jump and skid around a confined course.

　

Battlefield 3
From watching the trailers and clips, this looks like it will be the game of year. Easily looking as a superior fps (first person shooter) to call of duty this game will blow your mind. The two previous games where both of a high quality and many improvements were made to the series between battlefield 1 and 2. The biggest change here is the new game engine and ultra-modern setting.
What GAME.co.uk will tell you:
The long-awaited true successor to Battlefield 2, Battlefield 3 leaps ahead of the competition with the power of Frostbite™ 2, the next installment of DICE’s cutting-edge game engine. This state-of-the-art technology is the foundation on which Battlefield 3 is built, delivering superior visual quality, a grand sense of scale, massive destruction, dynamic audio and incredibly lifelike character animations

A line we dare not cross

There is a line we dare not cross

The fear of failure

The fear of loss

The line defines the bounds of reason

What is real

And what is treason

To go so far as to see the other side

Would create such curiosity

There is nowhere it could hide

Beyond the line is a place unknown

A lonely town

With a lonely thrown

Journey onward without knowing

Not where you aim

Nor where your going

But you’ll find a place, A place so grand

A place you love

but not understand

You’ll call it home, Forget your pains

For at long last

Your heart retains

Feelings lost now feelings found

Beyond the line

You run aground

And now your there You wish not want

A life in heaven

Is a life now gone

Poisoned by the side so clouded

Your mind has melted

Your thoughts now shrouded

You cannot leave, you’re here to stay

The line has vanished

And so has your way

Before was just and just is lost

You have deep fears

Of the line you crossed

My custard cream fantasy

Written by dodd.blog, inspired Guest Contribution

I had only ever tried you
It was you and always you
But then I couldnt have you
what was I to do?

My heart then crippled
That you were not near
I needed you in my space
I needed you right here

Do I truly love you?
I tell myself I do
But what is love these days?
is it really you?

I recall the time you saw me cry
I had no idea that was goodbye

Since then are paths have yet to cross

As friends not lovers, a painful loss

Our love shone bright
But time has since passed
Things have changed forever
you were the one I wished would last

Not since then have I seen your face

What had once been, now out of place
a space in my heart you shall always have spare
My custard cream fantasy, I’ll eat you anywhere

If I fail... Am I a Failure?

With exams on the horizon and revision in full swing, it’s easy to start questioning your own ability. I would be lying if I said that this Uni lark is a breeze. It is a different kind of difficult.

At the moment I seem to be struggling on a subject that I consider my main skill, maths, or methodology if you’re an engineer (I don‘t know either). I can do half the question but when I check my answers, there mostly wrong. I have faith enough in myself that I can overcome this, but after spending hours trying to figure out the answer, it gets very depressing.

During the 1^st set of university exams I felt that for some subjects, they required a different type of revision. Unfortunately I didn’t really get round to an alternative so I kept myself pretty much locked in my room until the exams. I entered every exam with trepidation. I found half of the exams alright, but the other half… they unnerved me. They left me with an anxious and overly long wait to find out how I had performed. I knew I was relying on prior knowledge for those exams, not due to a lack of effort; it’s just that not all the concepts clicked. I think that’s partly down to me but also the lecturers who can often explain things in ways they understand but your average student can’t.

Anyway, they day came when I collected my results. I knew it would be touch and go as to whether I had passed and I didn’t want to have to admit to my friends and family that I failed. I have to much pride in myself for such things which is why I take failing quite seriously. I looked down at the page.

I had passed all of my exams, and with room to spare. I had attained solid results which although can be improved, left me feeling that maybe I could just pull the university thing off.

I think a lot of how we succeed in life, not just exams, is down to your mental attitude and mindset. Fear of failure is a good thing when matched with a will to succeed, but alone it can have a serious effect on confidence and as such, ability.

I was lucky that I had passed all my exams after worrying about them. It meant that now, as I prepare for round two, I have the confidence in myself to accept that it’s going to be difficult. But with perseverance and a cool head, succeeding is very much a possibility.

Sundays Song

every sunday dodd.blog will attempt to please your ears. our first song is this funky techno beat

South Central - Demons

and because this is this first sundays song, dodd.blog brings you a second musical delight. this song is much more vocal and very easy listening

All Angels - Blowing In The Wind

Poetic Injustice

My dad told me this poem when I was 18

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Grass is green

And daffodils are yellow

Ignorance is bliss

By the way, you’re adopted

It was the last time I saw him